I haven't blogged in about four months in this blog. Xd
Let's see -- I've been a fan of Arashi for quite a long time now, although my time as a fan is cut short when compared to others. Others have been fans for YEARS, for two years, three years, even from when the group had debuted, and up until now. Compared to my time as a fan, my time is nothing -- only around February/March of this year.
Half a year, I guess.
Being the all-out fan I am (when i become a fan of something I really get into it, even spend), I've done a few things to satisfy my Arashi cravings. I've bought their magazines (Wink-Up and Potato), downloaded various of their songs (currently have three albums or four in my library, with TIME still not being listened to -- again, nothing compared to others), watched various of their shows (Mago Mago, Shukudaikun). I've been dipped into their past scandals (Nino and his girlfriend, Aiba and his pictures, Ohno and his porn star, Jun and his sex tape), and somehow I've survived. Now, I'm still a fan.
I even cried for them once, when work seemingly piled up onto them like there was no tomorrow. That was done in earnest -- I had really felt bad for them, with how Johnny treats them and all. But I survived through that one and now I'm still a fan.
I even had plans to go to Japan for their tenth anniversary concert. With a friend of mine, we started saving money in order to us to buy their damned concert tickets, get some lodging and airfare and all that stuff. We're saving up for two years to go to their concert.
But somehow I think that dream had been snatched away from me. My rationality is catching up on me, saying 'what are you doing?!' Harshly, it says 'it's pretty stupid!'
I'm starting to agree. Somehow the novelty of being an Arashi fan is beginning to disappear. Somehow the happiness that i found when I was starting out as I obsessed over them was vanishing. I started to see less and less of what i wanted in Arashi. It was beginning to get dull. So routine, looking over my neighborhood to see what's up -- who's in this show, who sang that, where their concerts will be, and such. Everyday, this is what I would do.
Often i would look into their magazine pictures and see nothing that will benefit me from them. Aside from me having male fashion to get inspiration from for my drawings, I see nothing that I can get from them.
Plenty of fans have said that they don't have to do anything -- they meaning Arashi. Plenty of fans have said that with Arashi just making them smile, and singing and smiling for them, it's okay even if they don't get anything in return. Fans, I should know -- they love with all their heart, care with all their soul. If they can carry your pain (if you're a star), then they'll carry it even if you don't ask them to. Fans are wonderful like that, loving people that they will probably have no chance of knowing, having so much unconditional love for people who won't even know them. But I, somehow, can't be like that. I can't give myself away that easily, love so easily without knowing that I can get something from it -- because honestly, everything in the world is served out of selfishness.
At first, yes, they made me smile. They made me giddy and made me forget of my troubles -- if not, then alleviate them even for just a little while. their smiling faces made me smile too, their happy voices made me sing as well. They made me happy. But it was now that reality pulled me back to the ground again. After they made you happy, what's gonna come next? That's all what you're going to get?
Personally I hate it when i always think of the future, of what i get. I was satisfied at first -- it's alright, they don't have to, I'm just a fan, after all, and if they're smiling and they're making me happy, I'm alright. But what happens next, when you see nothing in it for you anymore? When even looking at them only makes the corners of your lips turn up, rather than make you grin from ear to ear like you used to?
Of course, these negative thoughts are always countered. Why say that you really won't know them? Why say that you really won't see them? Have you tried? Of course, they always said to look at the bright side of things. But unfortunately you have to look at reality as well -- saving up all that money to go to a country you've never set foot on, people speaking a language you initially won't understand. I've always countered this with the thought that 'I can do this! If other people have, I should be able to, too!' But now things don't seem that bright anymore.
I don't really know what this is. This is like a war raging on in my head. It's like I'm standing before a huge gate knowing that there's a monster inside; defeat it and you get what you have been waiting for; go through the gate or go back to where you came from. I'm pretty much confused if I should go on with the fandom and love them more, knowing that my love will serve them no purpose, my admiration reaching no one; or go back and leave the fandom behind, tread some other path where your work will bear more fruit.
People will fight this saying 'why do you always have to expect anything from them? They're the ones sharing their lives with you. They should expect something of you, for they give you more. And you should be content...' etc. etc. But what happens if I give them my money, my time, among other things? Those are still parts of me somehow, I give something to them -- following your logic, wouldn't it be right to assume that I can expect something in return? ...continue with their work, or new singles and shows?
I hate it when I think too much, when I look too deep into things. This is what happens, see? I'm all confused on what I'm doing with my life, and being confused as such will make me only wonder and search for the answer that I already somehow knew.
This will end someday. there will come a time that Arashi will disband, and I would somehow outgrow this. I'm just still not sure whether I'll still be a fan by the time they disband.
I've been faltering for a while now. Is this being Han Yoo Ju? Leaving before you're the one left behind? Leaving the fandom before Arashi leaves me? I don't know. Maybe this is just seeing that I have little benefit from Arashi now. Maybe this is going to pass, but as of now, I honestly don't know.
goddammit. : XD
Current Music: Beethoven Symphony 7 -- Nodame Oke
Current Dramas: Hanazakari no Kimitachi E, Yamada Taro Monogatari, Coffee Prince
posted by aya-chan @ 31.8.07
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